Ideal Conversations

Ideal Conversations

In any ideal conversation what we anticipate is adding value on both the sides, or both the parties gain something tangible or intangible. Then only it would be called as an ideal conversation. Otherwise someone or the other has/have wasted their precious time.

For any conversation to be ideal there should be a safe environment. Until and unless a safe environment is not provided the conversation cannot be ideal. Only in a safe environment, both the individuals or parties would be able to share their views, opinions and would be open to hear each other's ideas and opinions also. Both the parties would be assertive instead of being aggressive in their conversations. Both the parties will gain something in terms of tangible or intangible and depart with contented hearts rather than getting hurt. The ideal conversation should be compassionate rather than fault finding. A compassionate conversation will bring in safe environment and open heartedness in both the parties and there is an acceptance of both the weaknesses and strengths, and it also provides a safe and healthy environment where it allows both the parties to look for the most productive, and effective alternatives. Instead of jealousy, prejudice, bias it allows a psychological safety, empathy, love, self-awareness, reflective and long-term sustainability.

Two parts of a human brain

Before we go further in understanding about a "conversation", let us understand the anatomy of our brain.

Our brain consists of various parts. In this article we would focus mainly on two parts.

1. The prefrontal cortex (Figure 1)
2. The reptilian brain (Figure 2)

Figure 1

Figure-2

First let us understand the purpose of our reptilian brain. The reptilian brain exists to protect us from any of life threats. This is the part of the brain that gets activated whenever there is a threat to our life - forcing us to either fight or flight (escape) from that situation. Another aspect that can happen is the freeze mode - one does not know what to do. When we see a snake, a tiger or huge fire or some dangerous situation where our body senses that there is a threat to basic life itself, then the reptilian brain gets activated and works very fast, triggers the whole sympathetic nervous system and prepares the body to fight for a stressful or dangerous situation involuntarily. There is no enough space or time for any thought process to occur here.

If a human being lives in a jungle amidst wildlife, where there is a threat to basic life itself, then the reptilian brain is very well developed for protection purpose. A human being living in a concrete jungle may not require this so much. However, in human conversations - when a peer, a partner or someone approaches us with a question, - the reptilian brain gets activated when we don't know what to do and instead of taking some time to think and respond assertively, we generally end up reacting aggressively.

As a human being we might be feeling a threat to our existence because somewhere we might have felt that there is no safe environment. Even though we might not feel a real threat to our life, we might have felt subconsciously some threat to our identity or ego and instead of preparing for a response, we might end up reacting instantaneously.

The prefrontal cortex of the brain is more developed in present human beings than those that of the primitive human beings as very few of us live in jungles. The prefrontal cortex is like a CEO of the brain and it helps in all deep thinking, wise decision or informed decision making processes. This part of the brain functions effectively, when the human beings feel that they are in a very safe environment and there will be not be any threat to their identities or life itself.

Various scenarios of human conversations

Let us now look into different scenarios of human conversations.

We can categorize the conversations into four categories.  I have placed these four categories into a 2 x 2 Conversation Matrix (Figure-3).

Figure-3

Figure-3 depicts the four categories of conversations. On the X-axis is placed the 2nd Party who could be any individual or individuals other than you. The criticality increases as we move from left to right along the axis. On the X-axis "you" are placed. The criticality increases as we move from bottom to top along the Y-axis. 

The four Quadrants in the order are:

1. Ideal Conversation (Win-Win: Both parties win) - Quadrant I
2. Non-ideal conversation 1 (Win-Lose: You win and others lose) - Quadrant II
3. Non-ideal conversation 2 (Lose-Win: You Lose and others win) - Quadrant III
4. Crucial conversation (Lose-Lose: Both parties lose) - Quadrant IV

Ideal Conversation (Quadrant I)

The Quadrant I in the "Conversation Matrix" talks about the ideal conversation for both parties. This is the conversation where both the parties feel that there is a safe environment to speak up and share their views, opinions and their views would be acknowledged and respected irrespective of whether they would be agreed to follow upon or not.

These are the conversations where there is a value addition for both the parties. Even there are disagreements, none of the individuals' feelings are hurt and after the conversation they depart with contented hearts.

The conversation might start by either of the party in the following manner:

Ideal Conversation:
"Hi! Hello! I would like to spend some time in having a conversation with you, which might as well add some value to your present life either tangibly or intangibly. And, I would like to discuss with you and share the information about this. Would you be willing to spare some of your time so that I can share it and after listening to it, you are free to accept it or reject it?

All ideal conversations should happen in a safe environment, lest they may tend towards non-ideal conversations.

How to provide a safe environment?:
In order to create and provide a safe environment for both the parties to have an ideal conversation, both need to be mindful of what exactly they want as an outcome from their conversation. There should be crystal clear clarity in what exactly each one want and whatever may be the outcome of the conversation, that outcome is not going to threaten their life. Instead it is going to enhance their present life system and helps in enhancing their overall well-being. Both the parties should trust that the conversation is going to add value to their present life either in some form of tangible or intangible manner. 

Figure-4

- Continued in Part 2.